Sex Life SOS For Couples: Reignite Your Sexual Spark When You Have Kids: Nᵒ17 Secrets of the Sexually Empowered
For many couples, the sexual intensity they felt in the first few years lessens the longer they’re together. Add kids to the mix, and intimacy can easily get sabotaged with countless culprits. The trick is knowing how to find time to reignite your sex life after having kids.
Go back to the basics
Remember what it was like when you first met? Assuming you didn’t have sex on the same day you laid eyes on each other (no judgement if you did), make simple moves like holding hands, tender touches and kissing to connect. These are all easy things you can do whether you’re alone together or in front of the kids that can boost your libido for later when they are asleep (just make sure they sleep in their own bed).
Put it on the calendar
The tried and tested date night. Few would argue that spontaneity is hot, however making plans is the best way to make something happen. As parents, you know things can easily get sidetracked, and flexibility is imperative. Realize this isn’t a cop out. It’s reality.
If you’re resistant, here’s the deal: Set a reminder! Setting a date and ideal time is no different than planning anything else in life: a meal, working out, movie night, etc. It’s a way of holding space for you to know where to be and when. Spontaneity becomes how your time together unfolds. Do you only kiss and cuddle or will you go all the way? Show up and find out.
Hire a babysitter or ask someone else to help out with your kids
There's only so much you can get done in nap time (and I'm not talking about the laundry). Depending on the age of your kids, parents get little opportunity to get away and have time to enjoy each other. Break the habit of always doing things as a family, and instead make it different by doing something differently.
First, decide if you want to be at home or go out. If you want to be home, set up a drop-off playdate. Or have a nanny, sitter or friend take your kids out for a few hours. If you want to get away for a longer duration, arrange for someone to be at home with your children, so they are able to stick to the same schedule. Next, figure out the details together or take on roles to create the bigger picture, plan a road trip or truly grab your passport and get out of town.
Focus on each other and ditch errands and TV
The routine of your life, the ins and outs you share about what’s going on with your kids and others, tech and to-dos are often distractions. Instead, set boundaries for your intimate time together to connect emotionally, spiritually and physically in whatever ways feel good. Make romance and emotional intimacy a priority and rebuild or reinforce a strong foundation. Take time to ensure your love life and your sex life are in sync.
Try these ideas…
Read a book together, each taking turns to read a chapter out loud
Take a shower together
Have an afternoon naked “nap” snuggling with each other
Indulge the senses by creating a food or alcohol tasting or do both
Shop online and get new sex toys or other erotic props to enjoy together
Fool around in your favorite spot out of bed when the kids are asleep
Boost your dopamine
Activate the chemical cocktail in your body that once gave you butterflies. Doing something novel together can help you both to get in the mood, helping you reminisce and relive the arousal you crave. Remember, it doesn’t need to be a sexual act to ignite intimacy. Often foreplay starts before you get naked.
Take a class together to learn something new (cooking, art, etc)
Do something on your bucket list
Explore somewhere you’ve never been
Do something that encourages you to move your bodies that can stir up any stagnation (dance, exercise, etc) and then fool around—as your body will be more open to pleasure
Get a hotel room or find a cool airbnb that turns you on aesthetically
Discover a public location to get it on that won’t get you arrested.
Listen to the effects of your pregnancy
Pregnancy isn't always an easy experience. A woman's body completely changes - for some this can be a real miracle, igniting confidence and a new found intimacy with their partner. For most, this can be a real struggle and make getting in the mood difficult.
Your body has completely changed, take the pressure off. Try out new sex positions, listen to your body and be open with your partner about what you like now - this may have changed, but your partner wont know unless you share! It is common for women not to enjoy their breasts being touched while breastfeeding a child, and depending on the ease of childbirth you may not want your vagina to be touched in the same way. Don't be afraid to be honest.
See a therapist
Sometimes it can be helpful to seek the help of a professional and unbiased third party. A therapist (or couples counsellor) can often offer the space needed for a couple to unlock their sexual frustrations. Just knowing that your problems aren't unique can be a start.
Entering parenthood is tricky enough - a lot of people don't consider how hormonal changes and the addition of an entirely new human into your relationship can affect your levels of sexual desire. Therapy has helped countless parents to navigate the 'unchartered' territory of intercourse after children.
Don't pressure yourself
While you may want your path to pleasure and passion to seamlessly go from 0 to 60, the reality is it can be awkward as you get back into the groove of an intimate sexual relationship. It all starts with acknowledging what you want to change, and taking charge to make it happen. After all, reigniting the spark is about being in touch with your desires and turning each other on. There are lots of ways to experience sexual pleasure. So, what will you choose?